A Common King
A COMMON KING
Who iseth this new king? Who giveth him such authority? And, just who in bloody tarnation askethed for a new king anyway?
The answer to your inquiries my silly subjects is, ME!
Whoa citizens!...Simmer down...Relaaaaaaax! There is no need to get your common undies in a bunch.
And before you think about dusting off ye old headsman’s axe and chopping block allow me to commence my reign with this royal disclaimer;
The very foundation of this Book of Edicts - and your servitude - begins with the biggest little word in the King’s English; IF. (Add much emphasis)
That being said allow me this opportunity to pass on to you humble commoners the first of many wise and witty majestic parables.
Once upon a time there was a young prince who
was very close to his best page (the term ‘friend’ may be substituted). The
prince and the page were full of wonderment and promise; their world enchanted by
the hypothetical “ifs” of life; “if I had, if I could, if I was..” You
get the message.
The father of the page however, was a very practical man who used a subtle method of bringing the two boys back down to earth whenever he heard either of them begin a sentence with that most profound of two-letter words. With a simple roll of his eyes and deadpan modulation he would finish off their whimsical suggestions with “If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass”.
Is the message clear grasshopper? Excellent. Let us proceed.
Now before I lay down the Laws for the kingdom I am going to lay down the Laws for my reign. There are only three and they are simple.1. What the King says goes.
Unless of course you overrule me by majority decision or insurrection.
2. The King shall accept no pay.
My Laws are gratis. This is a free monarchy. My Laws are intended for you to benefit and prosper by.
3. The term of the King’s reign shall be ONE Day.
If God created the Heavens & Earth in seven days, it is surely possible to straighten out a kingdom in one. When your sovereignty is bequeathed back to you I trust all citizens will make the best of what I have bestowed.
There is no kingdom on earth that is as complicated and diverse as ours and your wise King has taken this into account in the creation of these new Laws. It is your King’s belief that because of the labyrinth of (and in many cases, foolish and detrimental) laws that your leaders have mired you citizens in, this kingdom is headed in the absolute opposite direction of that which our Founding Fathers had intended.
And that my subjects, is the wrong one!
Therefore, as your considerate King, I am erasing the chalkboard and we shall begin again at the beginning with the fundamentals.
My Laws are basic, and separated into two main categories; Internal Affairs, and External Affairs. In other words; Rules for our kingdom, Rules for how we treat other kingdoms.
The new Laws are intended to ensure that our nation is the fairest, wealthiest, and most admired nation in all the lands. The Laws shall favor no one citizen or group of citizens, and are intended “that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
The following Rules of Law shall be intended for the citizens of the country in which I live, The United States of America.
Note: Other countries are free to borrow or use these Laws if they deem them worthy without fear of violating copyright infringement.
And with that I begin my rule.
Royal note: If you feel like bowing it is completely voluntary and I thank you. If not, no problem. You may keep your head.
Respectfully,
Your King
